I was enjoying a lovely late afternoon stroll with my dog through the rolling hills of Perthshire central Scotland when I saw it. As plain as the nose on your face, an owl in a silver birch tree. I peered through the shadows. It was definitely an owl and it was calmly observing me. I slowly moved closer, camera in hand. It did not move. Surely it saw me? If not me, it must have seen my dog running about. The owl still did not move. Not only was the owl not moving, its eyes stayed wide, totally innocent of a blink.

But this was no owl.

A branch growing from the main trunk at an odd angle created an image like a round forehead. Immediately under the forehead were two knotholes about three or four inches apart and perfectly horizontal. It was not until I stood directly under the tree that I understood, it was an optical illusion, these were not eyes, they were nostrils.

This was getting spooky. I took some photographs and once I collected my dog I headed home.

the owl in the tree or hooters in hiding?

Once safely back home I contacted someone at DEFRA (Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) and tried to explain what I had seen. She seemed nervous and would only speak away from her office and only if I protected her identity.

We met two days later in a coffee shop in the town. She explained this was not the first sighting of trees sprouting breathing holes. Governments in the west have known about this for a while, but in order to stop mass panic and to keep control they deliberately kept their observations silent and away from the press and the media.

The Dutch Elm cull was a ruse to keep the lid on this by getting rid of the first tree species to develop external gills.

She explained that trees breathe through their leaves. Chlorophyll absorbs the CO2 and uses it along with water to dissolve minerals taken up through the roots. After the chemical reaction is completed, the leaf releases oxygen and water vapour through its pores. Our best guess at present she suggested was that trees are adapting to climate change and in anticipation of their leaves withering in the heat, something that will adversely affect their ability to breath, are developing nostrils.

She was really unsettled and made me promise, NEVER to reveal her identity.

A call to the DESNZ (Department for Energy Security and Net Zero) was snot well received.

A spokesperson there said; ' Nostrils? I am not trying to be picky, but this is nonsense, are you insane? We take a dim view of you sniffing about in this area.'

I think this story has longer to run.

TREE SCHNOZZOLA

PIGS or PIGS?